It’s so frustrating when my child is not living up to his/her/their potential!
As a 23-year veteran of coaching parents and training coaches, I hear this lament all the time. Over our lifetimes, we see so clearly that our kids have skills, instincts, inborn talents and compelling interests. When they aren’t tapping them or optimizing them, it can cause us sleepless nights.
So, the question comes to mind: “Is childhood the time to optimize your abilities?” I’m wondering if being a developing human puts most kids in the “non-adult” category in most parents’ minds. If not, maybe it’s time to consider it.
To my understanding, childhood is the age of experimentation. Kids go from one interest and activity to another to explore and learn about how they fit into each. They also go from one intense emotional state to another, which can sidetrack them from achieving their potential, even in their area of great talent. But most of us adults see them as “like us” without realizing there are vital factors to consider, namely the two above: ongoing development and emotional state.
What can parents do to support their kids, once they realize they’re not adults? We can be with them in the present moment, attuning to their current condition, listening with our whole hearts and minds, reflecting what we hear, helping the kids feel seen and heard. Isn’t this coddling them, you might ask? Absolutely not. It’s connecting with them, helping them feel seen and heard, and opening the door to the very thing we desire: watching them take wing as their authentic selves.
This requires letting go of our “agendas” for our children. When they feel a parental agenda coming forth, they frequently oppose it (maybe you’ve noticed this!) That’s because they need to be seen for what’s up in their lives right now to feel safe in your presence. The need to fight you and the inability to listen to you come from lack of emotional safety. Peace and listening can only happen when they’re assured of your consistent non-judgment and of your support over time. Try not to confuse this by waffling between “trying to get them” to do things you want and “freeing them” to do what’s next for them (by listening, engaging and attuning.)
When you successfully get to the point of accepting your child’s developmental state, listening for what matters most to them right now, and letting go of your agenda, I think you’ll be amazed by what you see.