Should “emotional regulation” be taught to children?

I recently watched a video on how to teach children to regulate their emotions. I liked it up until the point where the narrator said, “Understanding and regulating our emotions through our thoughts and behaviors …”

That’s a statement for adults, not kids. Kids whose prefrontal cortex is underdeveloped would need a lot of logic, which is what the PFC is for, to get to “understanding and regulating their emotions.” My concern is that teaching regulating may supersede actually listening to the child’s needs for connection, which can inadvertently communicate, “Let go of your needs and just breathe your way through this.”

If adults tune in to what the child is communicating with his or her or their behavior, and fulfill the needs, the “See me! I need you to see me to survive!” behaviors lose their purpose. This feels more effective and compassionate than teaching “regulation.” It’s more effective because having one’s needs fulfilled, for love, learning, and safety, is the fundamental task of childhood. It’s more compassionate because it acknowledges the truth of childhood — children are not small adults. They’re developing humans whose development needs honoring, not skipping over.

Now sometimes the child’s brain wiring is such that regulation techniques are fine, but only after the survival needs have been fulfilled. That’s why we use reflective listening, to calm the part of the brain called the “amygdala” or the threat alarm that says “I need to have my parents’ attention to assure my survival.”

So, instead of “take four breaths and relax your muscles when you have a strong feeling,” adults are often better off reflecting, “You’re worried that if you go outside right now, other kids might bully you.” This helps calm the threat alarm and brings the prefrontal cortex (logic) online.

With insight into the physiology of a child whose body is trying to help him/her/them to survive, we can tap a whole new arena of compassion that actually gets us what we want. Not deep breaths and relaxation techniques, but a child who feels safe in our presence, safe in the world, and confident. We can do this.